These were not happy tears.
Josh didn't even have to ask "Are you ok?" He knew I wasn't, and that there was nothing he could do about it. I was so scared that I couldn't worship; I could only cry.
~
On Thursday, 3 days before, we had a somewhat routine ultrasound scheduled, 3+ weeks before Jameson's due date. My tummy was measuring about a month behind at this point, and they wanted to check that he was developing properly. If a mother's placenta is not nourishing the baby correctly, the baby's growth slows dramatically towards the end of the pregnancy. If that indeed was the case, it is often better for the baby to be OUT than IN. So this ultrasound was scheduled to verify that he was still growing in there and that I was just a small mama having a small bebe.
The ultrasound tech squirted some cold goop on my belly and scanned over the big ol' lump that had been pushing up into my ribs...his butt, more than 3 midwives had previously assured me."So, there's his head," explained the ultrasound tech, who was unaware that WE were unaware that that lump pushing into my ribs was actually his head. "You have a breech baby."
Josh and I looked at each other puzzled and slowly the weight of the situation hit us. I had remembered waking up one morning, around 25 weeks, saying, "The world turned inside of me last night!" I know now that was the day Jameson flipped...and that he had been breech all along and no one had caught it. I had questioned the midwives about that hard little lump up in my ribs - could that really be his butt? - and they calmly reassured me it was.
Well it wasn't.
The ultrasound tech then also explained to us that my amniotic fluid was low, which could be a sign my placenta wasn't functioning properly. She didn't sound overly concerned though. She also showed us his cute button nose, his kissy lips, and his hair waving in the little amniotic fluid that I did have. We left, more in shock than anything else.3 hours later, I got a more concerned phone call from one of the midwives saying I needed to come in right away. They needed to monitor Jameson's vitals, because my amniotic fluid was so low, that if he was under any stress, they would need to take him out right away.
Luckily, Jameson was as happy as a clam in there. They sent us home, but on alert for any dramatic decrease in Jameson's movement.
When we got home, we got another phone call. This time saying they would like to try a version (in normal people words, they wanted to try to flip Jameson.) We Youtubed "versions" and while we had been warned they would be painful, the videos on Youtube didn't portray the women in excruciating pain, the flips worked, and the women ended up delivering vaginally - our ultimate goal. So why not try?
If you're thinking about a version, DO NOT TRY IT. IT IS TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT. Unless of course you like the feeling of someone trying to shove their hand through your abdomen.
That Saturday morning at the hospital, I experienced the worst pain of my life. Don't be fooled by my smile in the picture to the right. It was taken before the version when I was still living in happy-la-la land that my baby would flip painlessly and we would deliver him naturally on his due date. Later on, someone would tell me the version was worse than their labor pain. WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME BEFORE!? Jack Bauer should use the version as an interrogating technique. I would have told him anything he wanted to know, and then some.And with all that pain, Jameson didn't move an inch.....
They asked me if I wanted to try again.
I said yes. WHAT THE HECK!?
About halfway through the second attempt, I begged them to stop.
It wasn't going to work anyway.
I lay in the hospital bed, my face red and stained with tears, when the doctor told me we should schedule a C section for Tuesday morning. My amniotic fluid was measuring 6 cm. The low end of normal is 10 cm; most women have upwards from that. They do emergency c-sections when your fluid is 5 cm. I was just too close to that line to be safe for Jameson.
~
So here I am in church on Sunday morning, carrying the weight of the weekend's events, scared to death of what I know is ahead of me. Did I mention my original birth plan was to have a natural birth, in a tub, no painkillers? I even considered a home birth. And now I had a major surgery scheduled two days away.
This was not the plan, God.
~
On Monday night before the C section, Josh and I lay in bed staring blankly into the dark, knowing we would be parents within 12 hours. I think the progression of contractions generates some adrenaline that prepares you for becoming parents. But when your first child comes by way of a scheduled C section, the emotions are very different. Don't get me wrong, we were thrilled to be having a baby. But we had our plans change so drastically, and then had too much time to sit and think about it. It made for a collision of emotions that left us feeling very uneasy.
At 3:30am, our alarms went off. This baby was scheduled to come out, ready or not.
We arrived at the hospital at 5am. They admitted me, they inserted an IV, they checked Jameson's heart rate. I met the anesthesiologist who gave me this nasty little cup of juice that would stop my intestines from working for the next few hours.
Josh prayed over me the Scripture my Mom had repeated to herself during her two C-sections. It was also the verse that a dear friend of ours texted us the night before. It had comforted him and his wife as they watched their little boy be rolled into the operating room for brain surgery.
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13
I had a mysterious peace waking up that Tuesday morning. Even though it was the scariest thing of my life, I knew Josh would be beside me, and God was in control.
They rolled me into the operating room at 7:45am. They let Josh into the room at 8:05 after I was all prepped and ready to go. At 8:15, the doctor held Jameson's cute little face and gangly body up over the blue cloth.
And I melted...
There is nothing comparable to that first look of your first child. Not even your wedding day compares. All of a sudden, nothing and no one matters more to you in the world than this little sweet-faced bundle. They brought Jameson to lay near my head, and he put his hand upon my cheek. Hi Jameson.
Jameson Paul Warner was born Tuesday, May 13th, at 8:15am, 6 lbs 9 oz, 19 inches long at Silverton Hospital.
He had been growing just fine all along in there, and probably could have even cooked a little longer, but we are so glad we got to meet him when we did. His first week of life was packed full with visitors and Josh and I were in awe of how many people dearly love our son.
I sat in church on Sunday, May 18th, and could not stop the tears from coming down.
God had seen me through.
I held my healthy 5 day old baby boy in my arms and I was grateful. A type of gratefulness you can only experience after God takes you through the valley.
And oh, how sweet it is on the mountaintop.
